Tag: Humor

Death of a Washer

I was with my Dad back in November when Heidi called and told me that our washer had caught fire. She quickly turned it off, but it still smoked for a while. Our son in-law is an appliance repair man, so she called him to get an over-the-phone diagnosis. In laymen’s terms, he said, “you need a new washer.”

The hunt for a new washer was upon us.

I found this beauty in Calvert, TX. You can see some of the quality work it was capable of in the second picture.

For some reason, Heidi declined.

So I found this one.

It’s works like a charm.

All photos are copyright © Timothy J. Hammons, 2022.

The Tragic Down Fall of Baby Doll

CAUTION: Following post has extreme scenes which may be difficult for young viewers.

 

JOHNSON CITY, TN — Earlier in the week, it was reported that Baby Doll was involved in a tragic accident. She has been rush to cornER of the room, under a pile of dirty socks, recovering. She had been crushed under a truck and rescuers had to use the jaws of life to extract her from the pile of debris.

This sad news came to the surprise of her family.

“We saw her out and about, dressed to the nines only earlier in the day, ” said Momma Jess. “This has just upset the entire family.”

Reports indicate that after Baby Dolls spends some time in rehab, she will be ready to once again, go out on the town with her big sister Annie Lease.

Baby Doll seen with her big sister, Annie Lease, only a few hours before the tragic accident.

Caution: Viewer Discretion is Strongly Advised.

Baby Doll trapped under a truck, only moments before emergency crews pulled her free and rushed her to the cornER clothes pile for medical attention.

All photos copyright © Timothy J. Hammons, 2022.

Monochrome Monday: Fredonia Brewery

Heidi and I took a road trip to Nacogdoches, TX on Saturday, for all the typical reasons for a road trip. Nacogdoches is a tad unique in that it is the oldest town in Texas, with groups of indigenous people living there back before water was invented. Or something like that.

We walked through the town. Ate at the famous Fredonia Hotel, and then stopped by the not-so famous Fredonia Brewery.

I don’t really drink beer because it has so many carbs, but I had to try one. They gave me plenty of options to choose from. I went with the Pinecove Port. It is the beer most like a Guinness Stout. The other option was the Macho Milk, a coffee-milk stout. I tried both and went with the Pinecove. Both met the high-exptectations of the Hammons’ Beer Rating System™. The Pinecove with a 9.628 and the Macho Milk with 9.133.

The Pinecove port.

The menu.

The monochrome.

Where the beer is made.

All photos copyright © Timothy J. Hammons, 2021.

Colonization: Good or Evil? Or Both?

I have been thinking of writing about colonization from a biblical perspective ever since I read the quote below in Andrew Roberts’ superb biography on Winston Church, Churchill: Walking with Destiny. More about that quote in a moment.

As I was perusing through FB, drinking my coffee on a refreshing Sunday morning, I came across the following meme and enjoyed some of the comments that followed, which prompted me to write this post.

(The meme reads: Christians feeling guilty for colonizing helpless pagan nations: Why do I fix everything I touch? It has a picture of Fix-it Felix from the movie Wreck-it Ralph).

Now, I know it is just a meme, not without flaws.

One of those flaws is that it posits the idea that Christians are the ones who colonized. Therefore colonization is often used as an attack on Christians, since Christians often used the expansion of a nation for missionary purposes. I think it’s worthy of pointing out that it was governments influenced by Christianity that were mostly colonizing in these conversation. However, not all expanding governments are influenced by Christianity that colonized.

In a sense, those nations were carrying out the dominion mandate found in Genesis 1:26. All men everywhere have been given this mandate by God when we were created.

Then God said, “Let us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” (Genesis 1:26)

This mandate was given to Adam when he was created by God, and given to us since we are Adam’s natural descendants. The problem is that shortly after Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden to tend and guard the garden, his wife, Eve, was deceived by the serpent and led to believe that she and Adam could become like God if they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The irony is that they were already made in God’s image. They were already like God in their knowledge, righteousness, and holiness. They already had all that they needed.

Yet, Adam, not being deceived, chose to believe the lie of Satan (who was the serpent), instead of trusting God for all things. They sinned. They were banished from the garden. Yet, the creation mandate remained. The image of God remained. What changed was that the image was now tainted with sin and mankind lost original knowledge, righteousness, and holiness.

How does this play into our article?

It plays into the subject because we are given the dominion mandate to subdue the earth, but we do so sinfully. Look back up at the command given above. It says we are to take dominion over all the creatures and the earth. It does not say we are to take dominion over one another.  Yet, in our sinfulness, this is exactly what happens.

Just look throughout history.

The Mongols, Japanese, Babylonians, Egyptians, Assyrians, Greeks, Romans, Spaniards, Aztecs, Germans under Hitler, the Soviet Union, and currently China are just some of the kingdoms that sought to fulfill the dominion mandate. Notice, these kingdoms did not know the God of the Bible (excluding Germany, although Hitler did not). It wasn’t like they were looking to Genesis 1 saying, “we need to take dominion as God has commanded us to do.” They didn’t have to. It’s a part of who we are as humans.

Our ability to carry out the creation mandate is warped by sin, but it’s still very much alive and well. The command, coupled with sin, manifests itself in the desire for power, authority, and riches. That is what we see in most nations when they expand. This is why we still have oppressive governments today. They seek to take dominion over our lives. In seeking control, they try to fulfill the command and establish their own knowledge, righteousness, and holiness. Unbeknown to them, they are carrying out the command, though sinfully, and trying to restore what was lost in the fall. This is what all false religions do, and these governments are false religions, or false gods, seeking to take God’s place in their own lives and the lives of their subjects.

So how are we to proceed?

Fortunately, the Triune God didn’t leave us to ourselves. After all, He has purposes for creation that most people are quite unaware of. He is actually establishing His Kingdom for His Son, Jesus Christ and rules over all other kingdoms. However, the Kingdom of God does not go forth via the physical sword, as the kingdoms of man do (think current-day Islam and their advancement through force). It goes forth through the proclamation of the gospel, which is the message of the Cross of Christ.

And, the gospel goes forth with the expansion of those kingdoms who are heavily influenced by God’s word, although not living up to the standards of Scripture. Only the Kingdom of God will meet those standards, through the ministry and work of Christ, the King.

One way to put it is,  worldly kingdoms advance their own causes through expansion, rightly or wrongly. God uses those means to take His message to the areas that are conquered or colonized. The gospel, being only partly present in the members of those colonizing kingdoms, still has a salt-like effect on those colonizing and those being colonized. While mankind’s kingdoms expand and fall, the Kingdom of God continues to grow. Christ, in His sovereign good pleasure, uses both expanding kingdoms and failing kingdoms to grow His Kingdom. His Kingdom grows almost imperceptibly, like Jesus illustrates for us in The Parable of the Leaven (Luke 13:20-21). The leaven works slowly, steadily, and will eventually work thoroughly.

We get a glimpse of the salt-effect working through the United Kingdom’s colonization of India, which brought both good and evil with it. This is where Andrew Roberts’ book on Winston Churchill comes on the scene. Roberts notes that when Churchill was in India, he couldn’t help but be pleased with all that the UK had brought to India since its colonization. What Churchill saw, were the fruits of Christianity, the good in the United Kingdom’s rule.

Roberts writes:

Today, of course, we know imperialism and colonialism to be evil and exploitative concepts, but Churchill’s first-hand experience of the British Raj did not strike him that way. He admired the way the British had brought internal peace for the first time in Indian history, as well as railways, vast irrigation projects, mass education, newspapers, the possibilities for extensive international trade, standardized units of exchange, bridges, roads, aqueducts, docks, universities, an uncorrupt legal system, medical advances, anti-famine coordination, the English language as the first national lingua franca, telegraphic communications and military protection from the Russian, French, Afghan, Afridi and other outside threats, while also abolishing ‘suttee’ (the practice of burning widows on funeral pyres), ‘thugee’ (the ritualized murder of travelers) and other abuses. For Churchill this was not the sinister and paternalist oppression that we now know it to have been.

The first time I read that quote, it angered me and set me off thinking about colonialism. As I mentioned above, both good and evil are advanced through colonialism. You can see that in the Roberts quote (and I wonder if Roberts was speaking tongue-in-cheek about colonization being completely evil).  What he doesn’t mention is that the gospel went forth to India as well, and Christ’s kingdom advanced. This is the greatest good that can come about through colonization, the advancement of the gospel and the redemption of the lost in those countries.

That brings us back to the dominion mandate again, which is still in play. Christ actually added to and clarified the mandate just before His ascension to the throne:

And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20).

This command shows we are to take dominion over the earth, not with the sword of war, but with God’s word and the gospel. This is the greater purpose of God, expanding His Kingdom until all His enemies and our enemies are made a footstool for Christ (Psalm 110). God is still working to expand His Kingdom, and does so through both the good and evil of the nations.

Let me be clear: this is Christ’s purpose as the Second Adam,  doing what the first Adam failed to do: take dominion over all the earth. As the gospel spreads, this is exactly what happens. The enemies of Christ are either converted, becoming children of God and members of the Kingdom, or they are condemned. Either way, they have been ultimately subdued under Christ.

Some might decry the fact that Christians are trying to advance Christianity over and against all other religions, and have an influence over all the earth.  It’s true. We are. Some would accuse us of thinking Christianity is far superior to all other religions, both secular and spiritual. It’s true, we do. We do so with good reason. Our King did what no other religious leader, thought guru or political despot ever did: died on the cross and was risen up from the grave, dealing with man’s greatest problem: sin and death.

Colonizing/conquering is going to continue until every nation, every tribe, every king, is finally subdued or destroyed by Christ Himself. He does this through the gospel, which brings life to those called, and condemnation to those who are not. The point is that the influence of Christ’s reign will continue to expand over the earth until every knee will bow, and tongue will confess that Jesus is LORD.

All photos are copyright © Timothy J. Hammons 2021. 

As for Roberts’ book, I highly recommend it.

 

Say Eight!

It was not the golf game that I envisioned before I teed off on the first hole at the semi-imaginary prestigious and luxuriously affordable  Pine Oaks Golf Club in the historic town of Johnson City, TN. But then again, I often envision games for myself that are clearly outside of my ability. So I set reasonable goals for myself. I figure if I can hit double bogeys on all the holes… but those expectations are really high. (For those who don’t know, a double bogey is two strokes above par).

I was hoping for a 6 on the first hole. But I got an 8. A real 8. I say that because in golf, an 8 is known as a snowman, and it is what golfers put for a score on a really bad hole. They stop counting at 8, so it doesn’t get depressing.

But none of the 8s in the following game are snowmen. They are are all real 8s. After the first four holes, I started to laugh at my two 8s, a 7 and a 9, which average out to an 8. I was beginning to wonder if I could break an 8. And I did. I hit par on a par 3. It was the most amazing hole. My first shot was left of the green. My second shot was on the green about 4 feet away from the hole. My third shot, “in the hole!”

And there was nobody to watch it. Just me.

I quickly went back to shooting my comfortable 8s for the next three holes. I couldn’t stop laughing. No matter how much I tried to relax and let the club do the work, the strokes kept on adding up.

I finally bogeyed the 9th hole for a 5. Then I had to laugh again because my par 3, and bogey 5, averaged… 8.

You can see my score card below.

But there is more to the game. On the front 9, I only 3 putted once. And I 1 putted on the par 3. So my putting average for the front nine holes was 2 putts per hole. That is actually reasonable.

But there is more. See the score card for the back 9.

I actually began to settle down on the back 9. My shots were a lot smoother, and a tad more accurate. I only had 3 8s on the back 9, and four double bogeys, and two triple bogeys. I was better on the back 9 which is unusual given that the back 9 is more difficult and most golfers get worse at the turn. I was happy with my game.

AS for the putting, I had two holes where I 3 putted, the rest were 2 putts.

Now the other great aspect of the game, which has never happened for me: I played with  the same ball and tee the entire 18 holes. Yup, my 41 cent Sponge Bob Square Pants golf ball from Academy Sports held true the entire 18 holes.

I actually bought a box of refurbished balls from Academy, and the price came out to about 41 cents a ball. Had I been playing with a $6 Titleist, I would have hit 20 yards farther into the woods… to be lost forever.

All-in-all, a great game of golf for me.

NOTE: Say eight is also a reference to a Brian Regan comedy bit. See here.

All photos are copyright © Timothy J. Hammons 2021. 

More than One Way…

I was letting Andy have a few dark chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe’s on Sunday, because he was with us without his brother. I wanted him to feel special. This is the first time that we have had one boy without the other.

Given that, I was trying to get him to savor the chocolate. We don’t normally let the boys have the Trader Joe’s chocolate because we have to drive to get it, and I can’t eat most normal chocolates. Or I should  say, I won’t eat most normal chocolates. Trader Joe’s does not use high-fructose corn syrup in their chocolates. High-fructose corn syrup is to candy what MSG is to Chinese food. It is in all the major candies and the reason that a one-pound bag of M&Ms is never enough. Satisfaction with these candies is an allusion.

Not so with Trader Joe’s. Satisfaction can be had. There is a point where enough-is-enough.

But back to the main issue. I wanted Andy to savor the chocolate because it is so much better when eaten slowly, and allowed to dissolve on the tongue. He wasn’t really having any of that, and just ate it.

That is when Heidi said: “well there is more than one way to skin a cat?”

It was appropriate for the moment. Andy didn’t want to eat the chocolate the way I eat it, which was fine. But what delighted me was the Andy immediately responded: “why would I want to skin a cat?”

Not that he was the first to ask that question, but that he asked the question at all. That shows that he is thinking, which is a hard commodity to find in people these days. Most people don’t want to think.

I saw an example of this last week while talking to a woman about having to wear masks. I am opposed to them because of the data amassed before our current pandemic. It all pointed to the uselessness of masks in preventing the spread of such viruses. There is plenty of evidence currently on the internet, and I shared it with the woman. She was having none of it. She just wanted to do what the government and Dr. Fauci said to do. She didn’t want to think about it.

It was disappointing.

I don’t want my boys go grow into men who don’t want to think about things, especially religious truths and politics. I want them to think about these things. I want them to be self-consciously Christian and conservative in these areas. I want them to have a Biblical worldview, because they have given these issues thought and because they don’t listen to the voices of our leaders, but listen to the voice and Word of our King. Yes, we are to give our leaders the respect of their office. But we are never to check our brains at the door and blindly follow them.

So yes, ask the question: “why would anyone want to skin a cat?”

Andy and I went hiking in a nearby park on Sunday, and the following are a few of the pictures we took.

 

Repairing the 2000 Saturn LW1 Station Wagon

Most of you don’t know that I’m very privileged and honored to be one of the few, last owners of a Saturn. Remember the Saturn? It was a different kind of car company. They were shut down during the great Obama take over of General Motors in 2008. Why? Because they were a non-union company. 

This means that Saturn, along with Hummers, and other car companies went away. The cars owners of such brands became owners of what are called zombies. Their cars are among the walking dead. It’s only a matter of time.

And it is only a matter of time for Fred, my 2000 Saturn LW1. The engine works great. The transmission is fine. More importantly, the air conditioner works, which is a must living in Texas. 

However, lots of things on the 2000 Saturn LW1 do not work and more and more are breaking with the coming and going of each scorching summer. 

Last Summer, I lost the use of both windows in the back seat. After making a stop in Dallas, I got back into my scorching car, and did what I always did, rolled down the windows to let the nuclear air out, and the 99 degree heat inside. It was my way of giving the AC a fighting chance. After driving for a few minutes, I rolled up the windows in the back and heard a crunching noise from one of the windows. Apparently the cable inside shredded the gears and pulleys. The window no longer worked. 

OK, I thought. I can live with that. But I couldn’t because the window decided to make a slow decent downward into the door, thereby rendering my AC completely useless. 

The solution? Pull the window back up and duct tape it closed. Now please, don’t think I’m some tasteless redneck using duct tape to fix my windows. The duct tape I used was color coordinated with my car. It looked great (see the picture above). 

I checked the prices for getting the window fixed. Just the unit inside the door alone cost $130, not to mention the labor. Clearly, outside the budget.

I could live with the duct tape. I was resolved to not let it hinder me from getting where I needed to go with an upbeat, positive, nothing to dampen my spirits attitude. 

Then, a few months later, the other window made the same crunching noise. No big deal, I thought. More duct tape. This is how it was going to be. I could live with it, except for one problem: the windows kept making a slow slide downward, and I ended up needing more and more duct tape to close the gap. Again, not to be deterred, I pressed on.

Then the window on the driver’s side really began to slide, and it was halfway open. The duct tape was no longer working. And my wife needed to be able to use the car next week. She politely let me know, that something needed to get fixed.

For those of you who know me, this caused me a great deal of anxiety. I’m not a mechanical guy. Changing light bulbs, hanging pictures, cleaning the bathroom, no problem. Changing the oil? Do we still have to do that with our modern technology? 

But I had to do something and I couldn’t afford to take to our mechanic for this. I new from conversations that the cheapest way to fix the windows was to put a piece of wood inside the door, to prop up the window. So I set out watching Youtube videos in order to see how it was done. I didn’t actually find any videos showing the use of wood to prop up the window. But I found some to help me see how to take the door apart. Wow, I never realized a door could be so complicated. Did you know there are all kinds of wires inside the door? And they are connected to things like light, speakers, and locks?

I thought that maybe, with the help of Joey, my 13 year old, I might have a fighting chance of getting it fixed. Joey is the only one in the family, who is mechanically inclined. For instance, if you give him a Lego set with 8,000 pieces, he actually gets all 8,000 pieces where they belong to make whatever it was that was advertised on the box. Not me. I only manage to get square looking cars, and dumpy block houses. In other words, Joey is clearly gifted in the area of following directions and being able to see how things work, like actually work. Not the “hey look it’s magic” kind of work.

We took the car over to our garage and made an attempt to take off the inside of the door, since this is the way a real mechanic would have done it. But we couldn’t get it off. I’m sure that there was some screw under a plastic cover that I needed to remove to get the panel off. But we couldn’t find it.

Back to Youtube and another search. 

I found a fellow Saturn owner who was actually fixing his window. In his video he showed us how to take off the outside panel instead of the inside panel. This was done so that you didn’t have to worry about all the wires and what they were connected to. To my surprise, 30 minutes later, we had the panel off, and nothing was broken. It came off just like he showed us in the video. Wow, this car mechanic thing was working out really well. 

Rummaging through our garage, I found some two pieces of wood that went to some of the furniture for our boys room. I don’t think we have the corresponding furniture any longer. I measured from the bottom of the window to the inside of the door: exactly 18 inches. 

Out with the hand saw and the wood was exactly 18 inches. Now, how to get it to remain in place to hold up the window. Then the “uh-oh” came. Apparently, when I measured inside the door, the window was not all the way up. I pushed it all the way up. Now the 18-inch board was too short. Well, I did have another piece of wood I could cut. It dawned on me that if I used the scrap piece as a filler, it would fit. And it did. Perfectly, and snuggly. (I’m not sure the word “snuggly” would ever be used inside a real mechanics shop. But if I ever open a mechanics shop, I’ll call it Snuggly’s Automotive.)

I needed something to secure the wood to the mechanical thingy. I found an O clamp. It worked great. Not only was the wood snugglied up to the mechanical thingy, it wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. 

I was so proud. We did it. 

Then we had to put the door back together. And we did that too. Yipper, it was like brand new, only 20 years old brand new, and it didn’t work brand new. But you get the idea. The window was no longer going to make a slow descent southward as I drove. My AC would purr along and everything would be good. We “fixed” it. 

Now, we just have one more door to fix and the 2000 Saturn LW1 will be ready for summer.

Standing in Queue: Corona Effect

I wasn’t planning on doing any more Corona Effect posts. The entire subject is a bit depressing. Yet, here we were on our weekly outing to Trader Joe’s only to find that we had to queue up before going inside the store. They had two employees acting as gatekeepers. They only allowed someone inside the store when someone else left the store.

What was worse, I tried to make a joke as Heidi and I were getting in line, that fell absolutely flat. Everyone is really tense. That made me tense. Therefore, Heidi and I decided to double up on the essentials so we didn’t have to come back next Saturday. We doubled our portions of chocolate and wine. Priorities! I know, we’re now hoarders! Alas, the strange things we will do when a crisis hits.

 

Dumping Dave’s Insanity Sauce

As we approached our 5th Wedding Anniversary, while going through the refrigerator, I finally decided to throw away our bottle of Dave’s Insanity Sauce. We only used it once, shortly after we got married. The reason for this is that Heidi is such a good cook, we didn’t need Dave’s.

The Insanity Sauce is perfect for a bachelor who cannot cook. Something tastes bad? Add some Dave’s. Eggs lack pizzaz, a tad (and I mean a tad in the literal sense) will do you. Stuck with Raman noodles again? Turn that bowl of preservatives into a gourmet meal.

Yup, Dave’s could save most anything just as long as you didn’t use too much, for the sauce itself is really, really hot. It was the heat that was the key. You never tasted the dull food, just the heat. And for those who cannot cook, the heat is a delight. It is perfect for single guys. And I no longer need it. It’s currently in a landfill somewhere, waiting to be discovered by archaeologists who will open it, and add it to their Ramen noodles. I’m sure it will still be good.

(WARNING: If I were a Surgeon General, I would let you know that women who are pregnant, those with heart conditions, and GI tract issues, should not use Dave’s Insanity Sauce.)