As my oldest boy gets into his teens, he thinks he has become an expert on are cars, especially those that are clearly out of my price range or interest. Since my auto aspirations and thoughts only involve a Ford F-150 Raptor, I have a hard time keeping him humble. Today, he asked me if I knew what a McLaren was. Apparently, it’s high-end, fast, and expensive. Which are three reasons I don’t know what it is.
But alas, he has also taken to really disrespecting my car, a 2000 Saturn Station Wagon, which I affectionately call the “Chick Magnet.” See the picture above. The chick magnet oozes coolness simply because it was never intended to be cool. It is the anti-cool car, which makes it perfect for me. Plus, I only paid $100 for it when it only had 46,000 miles on it, so it has truly been God’s blessing. For some reason, my son finds it everything other than “cool.” I’ve tried to tell him that there are cars that have been made that are far worse than my Saturn Station Wagon Chick Magnet. But he doesn’t believe me. So in view of that, I’ve compiled a list of cars that are far worse than my car. Yes, these cars are no longer made, but neither is the Chick Magnet. In fact, it’s considered a Zombie, which is a car made by a company that no longer exists, hence, it’s among the walking dead. Here is my list.
First on the list is the AMC Pacer. This baby was not only ugly on every level of ugly but also undependable. For those of you in my son’s generation, AMC was a motor company that existed in the last century and failed to produce one decent looking vehicle. in 1987, they finally put the buying public out of our misery and closed their doors. Here is the first entry into my list of worse cars than mine: The AMC Pacer:
Second, the AMC Matador. This one is rejected for the same reasons, ugly, undependable, and an AMC. Let’s face it, most people don’t even remember these cars. I just remember they were so ugly compared to all other cars on the road, I was bewildered that people bought them.
Third, the Ford Mustang II. This is when Ford completely lost its way and decided to try and downsize the Mustang. Thankfully for the sake of Mustang lore, they added the II, and most people have done every thing they can to forget the model. Ford finally pulled their collective design heads out of that dark place which shall not be mentioned, and brought back the Mustang in the 1990s with the classic look. Every one knows that turned out well.
Now the kicker for the Mustang II. I owned one. My Uncle Bob, a car salesman, talked me into buying the piece of junk because it was easier for him to sell it to me, the gullible nephew, than take a loss on it. I had nothing but trouble with it. It drove like a crock pot on wheels, had no speed or pick up, leaked oil, and ended up costing me hundreds of dollars in repairs. Thanks Uncle Bob. Here is a reminder of the disaster. I think this photo is the exact model I had, only the paint had all faded, along with the seats. It was only 4 years old when I got it, which is an indication of it’s lasting power.
Forth, we journey back to AMC. Their next entry into this wonderful list: the Gremlin. Just look at that picture, and try to imagine what went through the designers minds when they came up with this travesty. On top of that, naming it the Gremlin, a creature that wreaks havoc on technology, was quite appropriate, since the car was so technologically challenged.
Fifth, the Chevrolet Vega. I know, it’s not fair that I picture one that is in a junk yard, but I do so for a reason. That is the best place for the Chevrolet Vega. They were meant to be inexpensive cars for the masses, but ended up being a mass of expense for anyone who lacked enough taste to buy one.
Sixth, the Ford Pinto. Both the Vega and the Pinto were made in 1971, and it was like both car giants were trying to outdo one another in the “worst car of the year” award from Junk & Yard Magazine. I knew people who had Pintos. They swear by them. I’m glad I no longer know those people today. They are probably still arguing for the greatness of the car.
By the way, did I mention that they had a small structural defect that caused them to catch on fire when they were hit from behind? Just to help you remember that little added accessory from Ford, here is the following picture:
Seventh, the 1985 Yugo, from Yugoslavia, because we know just how wonderful Yugoslavian cars are. Yugoslavia screams innovation. O wait, they actually scream civil war and broke apart in the 1990s, thereby sparing the rest of the world of this motorized disaster which was great on mileage, yet a death trap in an accident.
Eight, the Pontiac Aztec. This was the car that was designed to be multi-utility. They were trying to make an automobile similar to the Swiss Army Knife. And it did make a decent knife, just not a very good car. The design was basically box-like, and, well ugly. Apparently it was designed by the CEO’s son there in Pontiac, and no one had the courage to cry foul. According to sources, the car was such an embarrassment for GM that employees refused to test drive it. All the testing had to be done at night. That should have given some signal to those who insisted on its production.
Ninth, the Smart Fortwo, which is a 3-cylinder car that only gets 39 mph. I’ve taught my sons to call the cars “Stupid Cars” instead of Smart cars. Anyone who owns one is quite stupid and living with a death wish. It is such a bad car, I’ve decided to give a meme that floats around the internet instead of wasting your time with an actual picture of the car.
Tenth, the Chevrolet Chevette. Apparently, GM didn’t learn their lesson with the Vega and produced this garbage. It just wasn’t that much different than the Vega. It does resemble the car the Mr. Bean drives, but lacks his great intelligence.
Now, given all these cars, hopefully my oldest son will realize that the Chick Magnet is not all that bad of a deal.