When it comes to dieting, I’m no expert, given that my current diet is the first diet I’ve really, ever, tried. Quite frankly, I was just as happy with myself at 265 pounds as…well… But I do like being 240! My doctor was concerned with my former girth.
In this time, I’ve learned five things that you should not do during your diet. Please note, that none of these have been scientifically tested, or even acknowledged. I’m not sure I know a scientist, or one that would be interested in this exhaustive list. But here goes:
- First, don’t think about those foods that you “used” to eat. I know, what a joke. How does one stop craving donuts, especially given the fact that I really didn’t crave donuts until I went on the diet? Do you know how many donut shops there are in my town alone?! I’ve noticed all of them since starting my diet. I’ve also noticed all the donut shops in Ennis, Midlothian, Kaufman, Terrell, and much of the greater southeastern portion of Dallas. It must be a conspiracy.
- Don’t use metaphors that involve cliches. In fact, using them is just icing on the cake to the failure of your diet. It will drive you to a few French fries short of a Happy Meal. Hhm…I wonder where those few fries are now? Are they in the car somewhere to be discovered when no one is looking?
- Don’t introduce yourself by your new weight. People will just look at you with a strange look: “Hi, I’m 240!” See, it just doesn’t work, especially since they don’t know that you used to be 265. By the way, did I mention that I’m down to 240 pounds? I haven’t weighed this less since 2001.
- Don’t go grocery shopping while on your diet. This is a MUST. Find a friend, or a spouse, and send them into the danger zone. The grocery store is the front lines of the battle field. I’ve figured this out since starting this diet. They are enemy Numero Uno! They actually have people in there, cooking food, filling the place with poisonous gases for your diet, all in the effort to get you to buy more food. Do you see how evil they are? They are trying to sell you MORE food. In fact, now that I think about it, every time I’ve been shopping in the past 40 years, they have always sold me more than I needed. I wonder if they are in collusion with the diet industry?
- Whatever you do, don’t plan on attending your church’s potluck dinner! This is an absolute NO-NO! Given any diet requirements, this one will sabotage you for certain, especially given that Mrs. Gunthrie will make sure that you take some of her pork-rind casserole and would be offended if you didn’t. And you would too, because you would rationalize your way into taking it: “Gee, well it is for the glory of the LORD and fellowship of the brethren.” The diet is DOA at the potluck, because once you give into to her casserole, your attitude will be, “well, I’ve already blown it, might as well load up on desserts. I wonder if there are any donuts left over from this morning?“
Just for the record, I have not cheated on my diet at all and owe 98 percent of my success to my wonderful wife, who has graciously helped by making fantastic meals for me to eat, keeping our calorie total at the required 700 per day. I couldn’t have done it without her and probably would not have considered it at all. She truly is a wonderful helpmate.