(First published April 29, 2011 at 9:38 a.m.)
Foxnews.com has a story on the Dreaded Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula, the most deadly spider in existence. But they get it ALL wrong. How? Let me tell you. First, the story is based upon the global warming theory that the Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula will be able to migrate from areas in the south to areas in the north, like Minnesota. This, of course, is based on the popular and unscientific data that says that global warming is truly occurring and before long, Minnesotans will be using sun screen in mid-March because they are walking around in shorts.
Secondly, this story is also based on the completely unscientific data that says that the dreaded Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula doesn’t already exist in Minnesota, which we know not to be true because they got there on banana trucks headed for the local Super Wal-Mart.
Furthermore, this article also indicates that many people, such as yours truly, fail to identify the Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula, mistaking common ordinary brown spiders for this evil spider. In fact, a scientist (so he claims!) did a test where he asked people to send him spiders that they thought were the dreaded Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula, and that most people failed to get it right! This shows that he has no scientific credibility, for he cannot identify the Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula.
THEREFORE, (notice I use all caps, which means I’m about to say something important), THEREFORE, let me give you the identifying marks of the dreaded Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula just in case you happen not to know what this spider looks like: first, these dreaded spiders have eight legs, just like ordinary spiders. Secondly, these spiders appear… INSIDE MY HOME. KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT DEAD! I know that I have a picture of a spider with this post, but this is only one representation of the dreaded Brown Recluse Widow Tarantula. By the way, most so-called scientists have yet to correctly identity this evil spider. So don’t listen to them.
I’m sure most of you can correctly identify these wicked and deadly spiders without any necessary aid from me, and especially any aid from the scientist. This is clearly one obvious case where scientists are dead wrong and should not be listened to (this little known fact will also lead to the extinction of scientists before long. Don’t worry, this problem cannot last long). So if you see a spider with eight legs, take the John Wayne approach, “The only good spider is a dead spider!” KILL IT DEAD!