The World is Going to End!

BRENHAM, Texas — Eminent theologian Philemon P. Blowhard noted today that the world is definitely going to end. This has many upset because Professor Blowhard would not tell local constituency whether or not the world would end before or after the Texas Aggies play Alabama on Saturday.

“It just all depends,” Blowhard was overheard to say. “We do know that there are certain events that do take place from time to time causing a rapid reduction in temperature in the nether regions of the after life, but these determinations do not tell us anything about the time of the world’s end.”

Many in the area are fixated on the football game taking place this Saturday at Kyle Field, home of the Fightin’ Texas Aggies. The game represents a lot for the Aggies in their first quest for the National Championship in many years. The Crimson Tide are current reigning National Champions. The Aggies were the only team to beat the Crimson Tide last year and the Aggies are hoping to do so again so that they will have a shot at the National Championship.

But if the world ends, this will disrupt the Aggies’ plans.

“I just think it would be so inconsiderate for the world to end before the conclusion of football season,” said one Aggie fan. “I mean, it’s just not right!”

Blowhard, who has made other bold predictions in the past, is head of the scholarly group affectionally labeled as Exaggerations R Us. He and his cohorts have made other predictions like the crash of the stock market, the invasion of giant dragon flies from the pits of hell, and massive plagues upon the earth. None of their predictions have come true, but this has not stopped us from reporting on such predictions simply because it gives us something to write about and gives you something to worry about.

Therefore, with scientific accuracy, we here at Timothy Matters have run the data in our computer models and come to the conclusion that Prof. Blowhard is 110 percent correct in his assessment that the world is definitely going to end. If you will allow me a bit of editorial commentary, I predict it will end on Saturday, at the completion of the football game between Alabama and Texas A&M. It just depends on who you are pulling for whether or not it ends for you.

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