Confessions of a Chocoholic

“Hmmmmm, chocolate!” That is one of the most memorable lines from the Simpsons as he relishes the thought of his next fix of chocolate. He is known for finding chocolate anywhere and everywhere and even dreams about The Land of Chocolate. He loves the land of chocolate and curses reality when he awakens from the dream to find that he cannot live life eating everything in front of him and turning into a big, round ball.

Homer Simpson is a chocoholic.

I know that most people laugh at the idea of being chocoholics, as if it were something serious to be worried about. We all laugh because most of us don’t believe in the reality of being chocoholics. I mean, who really believes that there are people living life going from one morsel of chocolate to another? Who really believes that the chocoholic knows where his next fix is coming from? Who really believes that the chocoholic can tell you without thinking where to find chocolate in a crunch, especially a Nestle’s crunch bar?

dovesFor instance, I know that it takes exactly 16 steps to get from where I’m sitting now as I write this, to the coffee table in my father’s office, where he keeps a clear jar filled with peanut M&M’s. I also know that when I go over to his house at night, that there is a dish filled with Dove chocolates. There are also some Oreo cookies on top of the refrigerator, Blue Bell Ice cream bars in the freezer, and if I get really desperate, there is double chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer at Dad’s office. And if I get even more desperate, I can pull out the Nestle’s AND Hershey’s syrup and make some chocolate milk.

With pinpoint accuracy that I wish I had in my golf game, I know where every morsel of chocolate is to be had without having to go to a store and get some more. And if I need to get some more at the store, I’m never going in order to buy chocolate. I will think of five things I actually need from the store and just happen to pick up some chocolate while there. I even note which stores have chocolate at the check-out aisles and which ones don’t.

By the way, I don’t tend to go back to the ones that don’t have chocolate next to the register. I don’t care what your selling, you need chocolate next the register. Don’t think I’m the first person to think of this either. Why do you think Best Buy, which sells electronics, has you wait in line to check out in the midst of all that chocolate. In fact, last time I was in Dillard’s buying clothes, there was chocolate at the check-out counter.

Let’s face, the execs at Dillard’s know we will buy more clothes just so we can throw in a couple of candy bars to boot. Nope, we didn’t need that extra shirt, but if it means we get to throw in a candy bar in the process, I’m buying it.

This is what life is like for chocoholics. We live from one chocolate experience to the next. We have silly rules like: “If it doesn’t have chocolate, it’s not dessert!” And rules like the “10-second rule” don’t apply. We can be moving furniture and find a long, lost M&M, brush that baby off and eat it. After all, the properties in chocolate prevent chocolate from ever becoming bad. And when the chocolate has really turned bad because of age, it’s still pretty good to us. We will never admit this in public, but it’s true.

I know that some of you may be thinking: “What can we do about this? How can we help these people overcome this addiction?”

Let me speak for all chocoholics now and forever more! Don’t do a damn thing! We like our chocolate. We like that we are chocoholics and we don’t want to change, we don’t want a cure.

We like chocolate. We like thinking about it. We like eating it. We like thinking of new recipes to try and ways to make things even more chocolaty. So please, if you know a chocoholic in your life, let us be. And please, refill the glass jar on the coffee table more often. Homer Simpson and I thank you!

For more on chocolate, here are a few more articles I’ve written on the subject:

Top 10 Ways to Eat Chocolate

Sir Chocolate Face

Oreo Cookies: Top 10, 11, 12 Ways to Eat Them


2 thoughts on “Confessions of a Chocoholic

  1. Pingback: Thoughts on Chocolate | GalacticSlackerHQ

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