The Houston Astros Just Don’t Have Enough Wives!

You read that correctly. Apparently the Houston Astros Wives Club didn’t have enough wives in it to throw their annual Black Tie and Baseball Cap Gala this year as they have for the past 24 years. The Gala raises money for Houston Women’s Center.

But… the players on the Astros didn’t have enough wives in the group to put the gala together. THIS, my gentle readers, is a CRISIS of the first order. How is it that these players haven’t found any wives to join the club? Haven’t they visited the Baseball Wives’ Depot and picked up a young bride? Don’t they know that if they ever make it to the playoffs, they have to have wives in the stands so when the game is really boring, they can cut to the scene of the beautiful wife of player X as she smiles for the camera and give the announcers something to say?

If they don’t get this corrected soon, they will never make the playoffs because the MLB front office won’t let them. Where are the human interest stories without beautiful wives in the stands? Without players wives, you never get to hear the announcers say:

“Yes Bob, player X’s wife sure is a keeper. It’s clear just from her looks that player X married way out of his league. She is major league hot compared to his pee wee league looks. Player X is so ugly he makes John Kruk look like Mr. Universe!”

Not only do we have this crisis concerning the lack of human-interest stories should the Astros ever make the playoffs again, but the Houston Women’s Center is suffering without the gala. Apparently the Astros wives from last year were able to raise a hefty $250,000 for the Center. This is not good.

But it must be pointed out that many on the team are quite young. The Astros are in a rebuilding year, which is a public relations way of saying “they stinketh!” There are no major players on the team, but the Astros are betting the farm and the fandom on all these young players.

Perhaps they should drop a film crew in the midst of the season and advertise the fact that beautiful women are wanted to be players’ wives. That would be a reality show I would watch.

(Read more here.)