Top Ten Songs from Hell

I got this idea for this Top-10 List from from Comedian Tim Hawkins who posted on his Facebook page that the NAPA Knowhow song just broke into Hell’s Top 10 playlist. He has a point. That song is about as irritating as it can get. Most songs from radio commercials are irritating on one level or another. I believe that is because there is a course in advertising school that teaches people that if you cannot come up with a catchy, good tune or song for your commercial, then you should make it as irritating as possible. Since that is so much easier, it happens all the time.

For instance I can sing the song for Heritage for the Blind. It’s about donating your old junked up car so they can sell it and help the blind. The song is so terrible, so off key, so through the nose of the guy singing, that it’s unforgettable. You know it’s bad when I can discern that the song is flat, off-key and through the vocalist’s nose.

But I digress. This is about pop-culture songs that are straight from hell or about hell, or both. A song qualifies if it gets stuck in your head and… you hate it. A song also qualifies if it is about hell, or the devil or it’s so bad, it makes you want to go there to get away from the song. Therefore…

10. Bat Out of Hell — Meatloaf. Come on, it’s by a guy named Meatloaf! It has to make the list! Plus, I was introduced to this over-dramatic song by a teacher in high school while we were on a One-Act play trip to some place in central Texas. She kept playing it over and over again and I really wanted to send that bat right back to hell.

9. Call Me Maybe — This one qualifies because I’ve only heard it maybe five times, but it’s played inside the recesses of my brain at least a billion times. It went from being a cute song, to… a hellish song. I’ve only seen the artist who sings it in a video once. The other times had the US Olympic Swim team singing it and a bunch of Republicans from Chicago singing it (should we not consider the phrase Chicago Republicans a contradiction in terms?)

8. Sympathy for the Devil — by the Rolling Stones. This song has always given me the creeps and I can only attribute that to the fact that the Rolling Stones capture one aspect of Satan so well. Some writers have even suggested that this song inspired many other entertainers to try and entertain us about hell/Satan, etc. I just have one question for Mick Jaegger and the boys: “with a song like this, exactly where do you plan on spending eternity?”

7. Stairway to Heaven — I know, this seems like it should appear in the Top-Ten Songs for Heaven, but it actually is about a woman trying to buy a stairway to heaven all the while wearing a bustle in her hedgerow. Or something like that. I never have been able to discern much of what Robert Plant is actually saying in the songs he sings. Since this song actually opposes the gospel, it’s actually about getting into hell, in the sense that someone thinks they can buy their way into heaven. But that is probably far too deep for the average listener of Led Zepplin, even though many believe that Led Zepplin is actually really deep. How could one possibly know? You can’t understand half of what Robert Plant is actually saying.

BTW, I don’t believe that if you play Led Zepplin songs backwards, that you can hear Satan’s voice chanting some dirge to delude the people. I do believe you can hear Tiny Tim’s voice as he sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips… our number six enter.

6. Tiptoe Through the Tulips — by Tiny Tim. O what an abuse of the name Tim! Someone please hide the ukuleles.

5. Highway to Hell — AC/DC’s contribution to the list. Given that the lead singer of the band that sang this song died from choking on his own vomit, makes one wonder if he made his destination.

4. Running With the Devil — Van Halen’s contribution to the list.

3. Hotel California — this one rates at number three because it has caused countless millions to sing along without realizing they are singing about hell. The song comes from the apostate Don Henly. It is not really about hell, but about the “high-life” of LA… wait, isn’t that the same thing?

2. House of the Rising Sun — listen to this one too much and you get put on suicide watch. This folk song was popularized by the Animals back in 1964. It’s not just that the song is so utterly depressing, as Blues tends to be, but misguided Christians keep trying to co-opt the tune and put the words of Amazing Grace to it. This shows the unheavenly nature of the song and causes it to rise to such a high level of disdain.

1. Red Solo Cup — Straight from the Department of Monotony, this one is not only mind numblingly repetitive, but there is so little substance to it that it has become the national anthem for every frat boy in the country. Musically this song only rises to the level of the gutter vomit that it leads to in countless frat houses. May it depart from the recesses of my brain as quickly as the word “moderation” does at a keg party.

OK, you probably have your own list. Let me know in the comments section.

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8 thoughts on “Top Ten Songs from Hell

  1. I’m an avoidist. The only song written in the last 20 years I can name is Mansions of the Lord. (Isn’t it magnificent? ) And only a handful written after about 1950. In this case ignorance is bliss.

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      1. Too funny! I will have to remember that one. I’m an avoidist on a lot of music genres, rap, country AND western, soul, gospel, real jazz and soft jazz (I know, I’m supposed to be hip and claim to like one or another, but at 51 years old, I still know of no jazz artist that make me want to go back for more), anything that is probably on a Top 40 playlist…

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  2. Good list! By which I mean, bad list!

    Re. Hotel California — I thought that song was actually a critique of the culture. At least that’s what my sociology teacher said in my sr. yr. of high school. I think he was bored because he spent at least one class analyzing it word for word.

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  3. Sick O'Heritage

    Heritage for the blind.
    Our CEO resigned.
    She couldn’t stand our stupid song,
    So we waved good-bye
    and said,”So long!” today.

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