Category Archives: Humor

The Houston Astros Just Don’t Have Enough Wives!

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You read that correctly. Apparently the Houston Astros Wives Club didn’t have enough wives in it to throw their annual Black Tie and Baseball Cap Gala this year as they have for the past 24 years. The Gala raises money for Houston Women’s Center.

But… the players on the Astros didn’t have enough wives in the group to put the gala together. THIS, my gentle readers, is a CRISIS of the first order. How is it that these players haven’t found any wives to join the club? Haven’t they visited the Baseball Wives’ Depot and picked up a young bride? Don’t they know that if they ever make it to the playoffs, they have to have wives in the stands so when the game is really boring, they can cut to the scene of the beautiful wife of player X as she smiles for the camera and give the announcers something to say?

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Nomination: The Liebster Blog Award

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Thank you Mother of a Warrior over at Walking With a Warrior blog for nominating me. I do feel honored that you nominated me for this award.

However… I must confess I cannot find anything anywhere telling me anything about the award. Who is Leibster? Why is he giving this award? Do I get to boast about it if a I win? Will I get a funny gold statue to put on my desk if I win? Or is this more about getting the “nomination” instead of the award? Is this some sort of internet practical joke? Hhm? Sounds like the one who started all this is skimping out!

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Chicken Curry

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NOTE: This piece is a light, humorous, off-the-cuff piece about lunch and is not intended to spark any deep thoughts other than the thoughts of what we will have for lunch today. Bon appetit! 

“We are eating Chinese this week.” This is what I told Jody on Sunday as we planned for our weekly luncheon.

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Top 10 Reasons To Elect Pastor Timothy as the Next Pope

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As suggested by my brother, I thought I would put together a list of reasons why I should be elected as the next pope of the Roman Catholic Church. Given that I am a staunch Protestant  you don’t have to worry about this coming to fruition, other than a good hearty  chuckle. For years, my brother Gene has suggested that I go Catholic, simply because they get to wear neat hats. I haven’t felt the desire to wear a pointy hat strong enough to overcome my objections to Catholicism. But in the spirit of humor, no disrepsect intended to my Catholic audience (that’s you Joseph), here is my Top 10 Reasons why I should be elected as the next pope of the Roman Catholic Church. (Please vote below!!!)

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Roundup That Matters

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There has been so much in the news lately that deserves comment, my response to it all is to do something else. Let’s face it, we live in overwhelming times and I have to remind myself daily that even in these times, our LORD is stil sovereign over the lives of individuals as well as events in our world. I’m grateful that the Triune God is truly God, ruling over the events and lives of men, and we are not left to ourselves.

But given that, here are a few events that really caught my attention.

Al Mohler Reports on a New Moral McCarthyism that has led to a Christian pastor being disinvited from Obama’s second inauguration. The pastor’s crime? He preached against homosexuality some 20 years ago. Mohler reports that the sermon itself was full of grace and truth, noting that Atlanta pastor Louie Giglio called for all sinners to repent and trust in Jesus, not just homosexuals. But alas, this is too much for those on the left. They must push forward for more “inclusion and acceptance” by running off people who actually are Christians and believe the Bible.

Mohler writes:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee and the White House have now declared historic, biblical Christianity to be out of bounds, casting it off the inaugural program as an embarrassment. By its newly articulated standard, any preacher who holds to the faith of the church for the last 2,000 years is persona non grata. By this standard, no Roman Catholic prelate or priest can participate in the ceremony. No Evangelical who holds to biblical orthodoxy is welcome. The vast majority of Christians around the world have been disinvited. Mormons, and the rabbis of Orthodox Judaism are out. Any Muslim imam who could walk freely in Cairo would be denied a place on the inaugural program. Billy Graham, who participated in at least ten presidential inaugurations is welcome no more. Rick Warren, who incited a similar controversy when he prayed at President Obama’s first inauguration, is way out of bounds. In the span of just four years, the rules are fully changed.

I found the same attitude on Facebook back during the Chick Fil-A incident in the summer. There were those who were saying that anyone who held to historic Christian values regarding homosexuality were members of hate groups. If the common man really feels that way, we Christians are truly out of bounds to what is normal in our world. Thanks be to the God of our LORD and Savior Jesus Christ. He warned us that men would persecute us for His names sake. I was hoping though that persecution wouldn’t arrive so soon.

UPDATE: Click here for Randy Alcorn’s take on this issue, and here for Neil’s take on Randy Alcorn’s take. Both men have something helpful to add to the conversation.

Neil writes:

There are some great lessons here.  No matter how hard you try to please the world, it won’t work.  Of course many of them hate the message.  They are spiritually dead and will always hate it.  If they aren’t properly offended then you delivered the message wrong.  But you honor God by speaking the truth in love.

Randy writes concerning Giglio’s sermon:

If this message is “hate speech,” as it is called in some by some responders, then the Bible is hate speech, and no one can preach the whole Bible without being guilty of hate speech. Some people believe that and are honest enough to say it.

Journal News Proves Themselves Cowards — For those of you following the gun debate since the Sandyhook massacre, you know that that Journal News, which covers a couple of counties in New York, published the names and addresses of homeowners that has legally purchased guns with permits. (This is one reason why we should be opposed to permits. That is not a part of the Second Amendment).

Apparently in the aftermath, the people of the Journal News refuse to talk about and have hired people with guns to protect them. Wow! They went from being anti-gun to pro-guns in just a few weeks. More hypocrisy?

But I truly liked what Judge Jeanine Pirro on Foxnews truly had the the best response. She sent her producers to interview these people. They wouldn’t responds and Judge Pirro really rakes them over the coals afterwards. I do appreciate her passion, and please note that Judge Pirro was on the list.

Also, Rush Limbaugh pointed out that some bloggers published the names and addresses of the employees of the Journal News. They didn’t like it one bit. Journalists hate journalism being done on them.

Man Save Mouse, Hawk Eats Mouse — Here is a funny video clip of a man going to the trouble of releasing a mouse into the wild, only to have it eaten by a hawk. I guess you could say nature takes its course. Reminds me of nature’s lesson for poor Andy last week with his fish tank and Black Tamales (Mollies).

That video should give you a good laugh for the day. At least I hope it does.

THE STAT That Puts Manziel Over the Top in Heisman Quest

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Kudos to the marketing department of Texas A&M University in touting Johnny Football Manziel for the Heisman Trophy. They have put together a wonderful web page that has all his stats showing why Manziel is the best choice for the Heisman Trophy.

BUT THE STAT that takes the cake… from the “I’m not making this up” category:

1 — The number of kittens that Johnny Manziel has save on Wellborn Road in front of Kyle Field!

That is absolutely priceless! Manziel saved a kitten! That should do the trick and win the hearts and minds of those voting for the Heiman Trophy winner!

Top Ten Songs from Hell

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I got this idea for this Top-10 List from from Comedian Tim Hawkins who posted on his Facebook page that the NAPA Knowhow song just broke into Hell’s Top 10 playlist. He has a point. That song is about as irritating as it can get. Most songs from radio commercials are irritating on one level or another. I believe that is because there is a course in advertising school that teaches people that if you cannot come up with a catchy, good tune or song for your commercial, then you should make it as irritating as possible. Since that is so much easier, it happens all the time.

For instance I can sing the song for Heritage for the Blind. It’s about donating your old junked up car so they can sell it and help the blind. The song is so terrible, so off key, so through the nose of the guy singing, that it’s unforgettable. You know it’s bad when I can discern that the song is flat, off-key and through the vocalist’s nose.

But I digress. This is about pop-culture songs that are straight from hell or about hell, or both. A song qualifies if it gets stuck in your head and… you hate it. A song also qualifies if it is about hell, or the devil or it’s so bad, it makes you want to go there to get away from the song. Therefore…

10. Bat Out of Hell — Meatloaf. Come on, it’s by a guy named Meatloaf! It has to make the list! Plus, I was introduced to this over-dramatic song by a teacher in high school while we were on a One-Act play trip to some place in central Texas. She kept playing it over and over again and I really wanted to send that bat right back to hell.

9. Call Me Maybe — This one qualifies because I’ve only heard it maybe five times, but it’s played inside the recesses of my brain at least a billion times. It went from being a cute song, to… a hellish song. I’ve only seen the artist who sings it in a video once. The other times had the US Olympic Swim team singing it and a bunch of Republicans from Chicago singing it (should we not consider the phrase Chicago Republicans a contradiction in terms?)

8. Sympathy for the Devil — by the Rolling Stones. This song has always given me the creeps and I can only attribute that to the fact that the Rolling Stones capture one aspect of Satan so well. Some writers have even suggested that this song inspired many other entertainers to try and entertain us about hell/Satan, etc. I just have one question for Mick Jaegger and the boys: “with a song like this, exactly where do you plan on spending eternity?”

7. Stairway to Heaven — I know, this seems like it should appear in the Top-Ten Songs for Heaven, but it actually is about a woman trying to buy a stairway to heaven all the while wearing a bustle in her hedgerow. Or something like that. I never have been able to discern much of what Robert Plant is actually saying in the songs he sings. Since this song actually opposes the gospel, it’s actually about getting into hell, in the sense that someone thinks they can buy their way into heaven. But that is probably far too deep for the average listener of Led Zepplin, even though many believe that Led Zepplin is actually really deep. How could one possibly know? You can’t understand half of what Robert Plant is actually saying.

BTW, I don’t believe that if you play Led Zepplin songs backwards, that you can hear Satan’s voice chanting some dirge to delude the people. I do believe you can hear Tiny Tim’s voice as he sings Tiptoe Through the Tulips… our number six enter.

6. Tiptoe Through the Tulips — by Tiny Tim. O what an abuse of the name Tim! Someone please hide the ukuleles.

5. Highway to Hell — AC/DC’s contribution to the list. Given that the lead singer of the band that sang this song died from choking on his own vomit, makes one wonder if he made his destination.

4. Running With the Devil — Van Halen’s contribution to the list.

3. Hotel California — this one rates at number three because it has caused countless millions to sing along without realizing they are singing about hell. The song comes from the apostate Don Henly. It is not really about hell, but about the “high-life” of LA… wait, isn’t that the same thing?

2. House of the Rising Sun — listen to this one too much and you get put on suicide watch. This folk song was popularized by the Animals back in 1964. It’s not just that the song is so utterly depressing, as Blues tends to be, but misguided Christians keep trying to co-opt the tune and put the words of Amazing Grace to it. This shows the unheavenly nature of the song and causes it to rise to such a high level of disdain.

1. Red Solo Cup — Straight from the Department of Monotony, this one is not only mind numblingly repetitive, but there is so little substance to it that it has become the national anthem for every frat boy in the country. Musically this song only rises to the level of the gutter vomit that it leads to in countless frat houses. May it depart from the recesses of my brain as quickly as the word “moderation” does at a keg party.

OK, you probably have your own list. Let me know in the comments section.

Gov. Susana Martinez Visits Roswell

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This is one of those opportunities that just landed in my lap. Last week, I got a call from Jason Perry, a city councilor here in Roswell and he asked if our church would be willing to host Governor Susana Martinez today for a Republican rally and get-out-the-vote campaign. I checked with the board, and they said it was fine with them. We were not endorsing anyone, just allowing them to “rent” our parking lot. In fact, the Jason insisted on it.

In getting everything ready for the governor’s visit, He asked me if I would give the invocation. That was a surprise since he is also a Baptist preacher on the side. I just figured he would do it and I would be a spectator.

Not so. He wanted me to give the invocation and sit up on the stage with all the politicians. I guess that was an honor, but when I sat up there, they kept a chair between me and the politicians. I guess I was oozing so much righteousness that they didn’t want any to rub off on Robert Korn, or the other candidates. You know how it is: you want your politicians with an inkling of right and wrong. But too much righteousness makes them think they are God’s gift to the country, sort of like Obama.

When the Governor finally showed up, I took a few pictures of her (see above) as she came up the stairs. But she didn’t shake my hand. Went right on by me. That was too much for Robert Korn to let pass. He noticed and started joking with me. I told him that Rudy Guilliani did the same thing when I saw him in a rally as well. (The picture on the post below is him blowing right past me. He wouldn’t even look at me.) I think it’s the camera. That is what I told Bob Korn. They see the camera and must assume I’m a reporter.

As for Governor Martinez, she did meet me after all the speeches were given. She really is a nice lady, yet tough. That is what makes her so effective. I hope that she gets enough of the RIGHT politicians in Santa Fe so she can continue to put New Mexico on the right track.